THE PROCESS

Friday, February 5, 2010

It's 5:22am. 5-fucking-22am! Can't sleep. Instead I am wide awake and wondering if the CELEBRITY FILM STAR we made an offer to yesterday is really the best choice for our lead. There are half a dozen reasons why I think he's not. So why am I hoping and praying that he reads our script and accepts our offer? That, my friends, is the strange math of pilot season.

Someone commented on the scant bloggery that I've already posted, saying how excited they were that I might be "demystifying" the pilot process. But I have to say, after only a week in the trenches, the notion that I am going to be able to untangle the knobby, chunky, clusterfuck of making a television pilot is kind of hilarious to me. I mean sweet Jeebus, even that last sentence contained a mixed metaphor. It started out in the "trenches" of a war and then wandered into untying "knobby knots". What does that even mean? Is pilot season like being a World War I soldier, sitting in a fetid, blood drowned trench in the middle of battle, desperately trying, for some reason, to untie a very, very badly knotted length of rope? Well, actually, that's not bad. I mean it's not great. But I think it actually goes a fair distance toward describing how it feels some times.

Though that description might be just the tiniest bit dramatic (it's very early), there are a lot of moving parts (metaphor) involved. A lot of considerations to consider. A lot of angles to be calculated (metaphor). And everyone... I MEAN EVERYONE... has an opinion about what you should do. Uh, oh... this is the part of the screed where I tell you how idiotic TV execs are. Get ready for a hard core evisceration of the empty headed turds that run the television industry. Nope. Not happening.

I'm going to do something BOLD here and admit that I think a lot of television executives are pretty darned smart. The vast majority of them are very good at their jobs and have a lot to contribute to the process. The problem isn't their intelligence. The problem is the sheer NUMBER of them. There are so many people allowed to contribute to the process, and all of them want...no... NEED to be heard. And each of these myriad people have a theory as to the best way to proceed. And each of those theories sounds more reasonable than the last. They all have a good point. Well, not all. That's just crazy. But a surprising number of the people involved have an excellent point to make. And seemingly all of those people leave messages with our assistant (yes we have one... his name is Jeff) asking us "to return" as soon as possible so that they can avail us of their excellent idea. Now add to this the brutal fact that any one of these people can, at any moment, get their feelings hurt and throw a wrench into the works (metaphor) and very quickly one can see that, in this environment, making anything resembling a funny half hour of television can be, well, tricky.

It's no wonder that they refer to this whole bunch of shenanigans as a "PROCESS". That is not a very fun word. Think about it for a moment. What else has a process? Making plastic golf tees has a process. Extruding and shaping chicken McNuggets has a process. Paying your taxes, getting divorced, selling a car and anything to do with the legal system are all about process. Your script and best wishes go in one side of this thing and a comedy show come out the other. And what happens in between? (SHIVER)

And here's the sickest part of it: I LOVE IT. I mean I don't LOVE it like I love my daughter or my wife or scallops. But I kind of dig being a part of it. It's never boring and it's better than dancing with old ladies at a retirement home (which I did). And it pays nicely. I haven't been in this very long, but a strategy for dealing with this whirlwind (metaphor) is starting to take shape. The key, it seems, is to keep listening to your gut. It's pretty clear when something feels right or, conversely, when it feels really WRONG. And when your gut is telling you that the thing you're being asked to do or change is incorrect, you have to stand up for yourself. You have to push back. You have to, politely and with respect, defend your show. At least until it becomes very clear that standing up for yourself is a pointless bit of masturbation which will only leave your career in a crumpled heap (metaphor). At that point, the best you can do, is put your head between your knees, exhale and submit yourself to THE PROCESS.

Actual Progress This Week:

2 directors, 2 line producers, 2 casting directors, 1 assistant, 1 PA hired.

Offers out to a lead for "How To Be Better American"

Test deals set up for several actors on "This Little Piggy"

And there's still all of Friday to go. Not too shabby.

PS

This thing is probably lousy with typos and stuff. But you get the point.