PANIC!!!

Sunday, January 31, 2010

This little missive is being typed up on the balcony of our room at the Hotel Del Coronado in San Diego. For those who don't know (or give a shit) this hotel is kind of famous. A lot of luminaries have shacked up here over the years, ranging from Charles Lindbergh to Madonna, blah, blah, blah. And it's expensive. Too expensive for the likes of Audrey and I. We should not be here. We are not rich. And we are neither the Prince of Wales nor Reese Witherspoon. Which brings me to the subject of this blog: panic. Let me explain.

So yesterday we met with Ted Wass in beautiful Beverly Hills, California. Ted has been working a long time in this whore's racket. He started as an actor (he was Blossom's dad and he played Danny Dallas on "Soap"), but somewhere along the line he got into directing. It was his directing services we were interested in. So, to that end, we sat down to chat with him over some eggs. Well, egg whites. This is L.A., nobody eats the WHOLE egg. Yolks are for assholes.

The short version of this is that Ted turned out to be awesome. He is funny, smart, thoughtful and fired up about the script for "This Little Piggy". We talked at length about what this show is about and how we'd like the story telling to take shape. And it was clear within about twenty minutes that Ted was the perfect guy to direct our show and that we'd be lucky to have him. Which is good, because I am pretty sure that everyone concerned (ABC Studios and NBC) had already decided this for us. Our meeting was just to make sure we didn't hate each other or something. And even if we did hate each other, I get the feeling they would have said, "work it out". That's exactly how much power Steven and I have. :)

So after shaking hands and parting ways I jumped back into my car and called Kevin Plunkett (not sure of Kevin's actual title... it's something like Senior VP of Comedy Series at ABC Studios) to let him know the good news. We chatted for a moment and Kevin, quite innocently said, "Well enjoy the rest of your weekend. I think this will be the last free one you have for a LONG time." And that, dear readers, is when my old friend PANIC showed up.

I hung up with Kevin and started thinking about all the stuff that has to be done in the next three months. PANIC! I also started thinking about the late nights, the bad food and the bleary eyed self-doubt that will slowly morph into self-loathing. PANIC! I thought about how little time I was going to be able to spend with Audrey. PANIC!!! And then I looked at the clock and started thinking about getting out of town. NOW! PANIC!!!

I got home, jammed the key into the lock, walked inside and found my beautiful wife sitting in her pajamas, hair askew and messing around on her laptop. She didn't look panicked. She looked fine. She looked like a normal person enjoying her Saturday morning. But that's because she couldn't see the oncoming shit storm like I could. So I calmed myself, sat down on the couch and started to make my case.

ME: Honey, let's go up to Santa Barbara today.

AUDREY: (NOT LOOKING AT ME) I don't want to go to Santa Barbara.

ME: (REMAINING CALM) Okay. Well I kind of wanted to get out of town today.

AUDREY: Let's go hiking.

Hiking? What the? NO! That's work. I wanted booze and expensive food. I wanted to relax. And, further more, she never suggests shit like that. What the hell was happening? This was not going well at all. PANIC!! I needed to get this shit back on track right away.

ME: (VERY, VERY CALMLY) No. I don't think I want to go hiking. How about horseback riding?

What the fuck!? Did I just suggest horseback riding? She looked at me like I'd suggested we throw ourselves into a wood chipper, and rightfully so. That is NOT getting things back on track. That's just crazy. I was more fucked up then I thought. Then I hit on it. The magic word: spa. Even the sound of it is relaxing. spaaaaa. Also, ladies love spas. This I know. And Spa, along with her sidekick Overpriced Booze, can totally kick Panic's ass. So I suggested it and before I could finish the word (a very short word, by the way) she was starting to pack. An hour and half later we were on our way to San Diego to spend too much money. Which we did. And now the blog, so there's that.

So here ends my first bout of panic on this journey. The first of many, many similar bouts I imagine. I know it's gonna get weirder before it gets better. And I'm not always going to be able to (or afford to for God's sake!) just pick up and get out of town. I'm actually gonna have to sack up and get these shows made. I want them to be great and I want them on the air. And sitting here, looking out at that ocean, I gotta say, I'm ready for it. I am. I think. I mean, more or less.

I need to go eat my feelings.